I'll Be Honest

I haven't posted here in over a month. Why? I didn't want to. I didn't feel like it. I would think about it and then push the thought away. I also haven't cleaned my house in a month. That's an awful, terrible, embarrassing admission and you really have no idea how hard it is for me to admit it. Why have I not cleaned in a month? The same reasons why I wasn't posting. I would walk into a room, see what it had become, and then turn around and walk away. I'd try to build up my motivation, walk back into the room, and then my motivation - or what little there was of it - would come crashing back down. Walk away.

You see, it finally occurred to me on Friday that I was struggling with a bit of depression. That was the four week anniversary of my 23 year old cousin Ben dying in a horrible car crash. The three week anniversary of me flying out last minute to attend his funeral and watching his sister (my cousin Bethany) collapse in grief beside his grave. It tore me apart and that feeling hasn't really gone away yet.

No, this has nothing to do with organizing or simplifying or minimalism.....but I had to say it. To acknowledge that I've been struggling emotionally after the loss of a family member and that it's taking a toll on how I'm handling my home life. I'm slowly coming back. I even cleaned the kitchen today. I had to walk in and out of the kitchen over ten times before I could tackle it, but I did it.

We all struggle sometimes, but it really does help to be honest about it. Once I finally opened up to my husband and explained how I'd been feeling after Ben's death, a little bit of self motivation came back. I worked on our back yard a little and helped rebuild a portion of our fence. And it felt good! In my attempt to motivate myself to clean the kitchen, I was thinking over how to write this post. Thinking about my honesty with the situation helped to jump start the kitchen cleaning. It just took a few hours with a couple of minor breakdowns. I don't actually know if anyone reads this blog, but knowing that I was going to write it out helped - even if this blog is just for me alone.

I have a goal this week. On Thursday, I want to begin re-painting my kitchen. I don't expect to finish it, but I want to at least get one section of a wall finished. Nothing big and overwhelming. Just baby steps to get me motivated again.

Project Simplify!

Want to join in on an easy-peasy simplifying project? Head over to simplemom.net and join in for the month-long Project Simplify. I'm doing it! And you should too!

Do Nothing

It's been nearly a month since my last post and boy has it flown by. I'm not sure where the last 3-4 weeks have gone, but I know they were busy. Not simply with deadlines, meetings, and projects, but with emotional hurdles as well. Those take up time too, unfortunately.

We did get a night away from the kids last weekend and we visited my sister-in-law and brother-in-law at the coast. The time went all too quickly, especially since we did...well...nothing. I never "do nothing". I can't in my own home. There's always something that has to be done. Something that I feel I should be doing. But it was my sister-in-law's house and there were no children to take care of, no housework or projects that followed me there. I sat still for more than 15 minutes. I drank coffee and chatted and laughed. I played Mario Kart with my husband and sister-in-law. I watched a movie and didn't have to pause any scary/inappropriate parts because a certain five year old was caught sneaking out of bed. I strolled along the beach. I slept in. I went out to lunch. It was peaceful. I was doing nothing and it was fantastic.

It doesn't quite count as "doing nothing", but I made the decision to take the next two terms off from school. I've been going non-stop for the last year and I was beginning to get burnt out. My kids were beginning to lament my workload and I feel like they need my attention for a little while. And once I saw the looks of excitement and joy on their faces when I told them I was taking a break, I knew it was the right decision.

So as of today, I am done with the current term and will be homework-free for the next six months. It feels like an awfully long time, but I am welcoming the break. I will play with my kids. I will read for fun. I will get some long-neglected household projects done - and include the kids in them (they've actually been asking to help with projects!). It's a temporary simplification, but sometimes even just a short break can make a world of difference.