Learning to Say No

I don't know about you, but I used to subscribe to the popular idea of "the more we have scheduled for ourselves, the more successful/popular/happy we appear". Yeah, that's one of the stupidest things I've ever heard. How does over-scheduling everyone make you happy or successful? I just don't get it. So, over the last year or two we have worked to reduce and limit what we have going on. We're definitely happier for it, but it's certainly a learning process. I now have to recognize when to say no to things. It's not always easy.

Last school year I attended the very first PTA meeting of the school year. I had been an involved parent at the boys' preschool (it was a co-op, after all) and had been feeling guilty that I hadn't jumped into the PTA yet. Finally my youngest was out of the preschool and into the public school, so I figured it was time. I went, I listened, and I hated every minute of it. But that's what involved moms do, right? They are part of the PTA! I didn't go again and I beat myself up about throughout the entire school year. As this school year approached I started thinking that I should go and be involved. Every time I thought about it, I'd cringe and feel tense. It didn't take long for me to realize that it was something I should avoid. So.....I said no. I am not going to be a part of the PTA at my kids' school. As soon as I said that (yes, I said it out loud to myself), I felt such a rush of relief. I have found a very limited way to help (I grade spelling tests every other Friday for an hour) and my kids like seeing me there on occasion. But I figure we all need our space and this is what works. Saying no was the best thing to do in this situation. I didn't do something just because that's what I'm "supposed" (by whose standards, I ask?) to do. And I'm not any less of a mom because I'm not on a board or volunteering for every little thing.

Over the last few months, I've had a lot (like, a lot a lot a lot) of friends begin home businesses. They are stay at home moms and have found something that works for them to make some extra $$ and be there for their kids. I get it. I did it too. Because I used to do that years ago, I would say yes to any friend who started a home business. I wanted to support them and I felt bad saying no. This is where the learning part of it really comes in. I finally started saying no just this month. I still feel terrible saying no and I don't know that those feelings will go away.....however, I realized that I'm not losing friends because I decline hosting a party. I explained that I have a personal rule to say no to these events, but that I am so happy they've found something that works well for their family and that I wish them the absolute best. And you know what? They totally understood! They weren't mad and they thanked me for my encouraging words. Because they are my friends, they understand that we are choosing a lifestyle that minimizes the amount of money we spend on things that we don't feel we absolutely need. I appreciate their understanding, and they appreciate my honesty.

As I adjust to being comfortable saying "No", I have found that it is effective for many things. I have begun to unsubscribe from emails because I am saying "No" to those sales and that advertising (and the inbox clutter it provides). I am working on opting out of pre-screened offers for credit because I am saying "NO!!" to more unnecessary debt. Now if only there was a way to opt out of political mailers to say "No" to the massive amounts of negative ads filling our mailbox (and seriously, what an absolute waste of paper).

I would like to leave you with a quote from Tiny Buddha's 'It's Ok to Say No' (if you don't read anything else today, read that post!):

"So today I invite you to join me in remembering it's ok to say no, and our world won't fall apart because of it."

Let's Get This Party Started! (Or The Refrigerator Project)

Ah yes, I am back at it! We finished up the summer with a bang (road trip to camp in Yellowstone for five days!) and have sent the boys happily off to school. The 6 year old is in 1st grade and in school full day now. I'm still adjusting to having them both gone for so long during the day, but I sure can get a lot done!

One of my first projects was to tackle our refrigerator. It hadn't really been cleaned all summer, there was orange juice "glue" from when the boys had spilled an entire container of OJ all over the place, and the side and top of the fridge was covered in layers upon layers of grease with dust on top. The OJ was our fault, but the grease and dust was there when we moved in four years ago. I swear the people who lived here before only cooked fried food.

 It's so disgusting.....UGH!!!

The reason the orange juice turned into glue is because when it happened I didn't have time to take the inside of the fridge apart to deep clean. Then it turned to glue. Then I couldn't figure out how to clean it up. I tried multiple things but it would not come up. Same thing with the grease and dust all over the fridge. Nothing was taking it off. Bleach, Comet, magic erasers, Goo Gone.....nothing.

Finally, after poking around on Pinterest, I found mention of mixing hot water, vinegar (which I already use for cleaning anyway), and a bit of Dawn dish soap. Honestly, I figured it wouldn't work - nothing else had. But this was touted as "miracle solution". What did I have to lose?

Turns out, it does work like a miracle. It took the orange juice glue right up. (I should have taken pictures of that but since I wasn't expecting it to work.....) The inside of the fridge was sparkling. Then I used in the freezer where a jar of jam had leaked and then frozen to a shelf. It took that right up. Then I turned my attention to the outside of fridge. If this worked on the inside when nothing else had, would it do the same for the years-old grease layer with it's protective coating of dust?

Yes. Yes, it did.

Do you see that?!?! I've been frustrated with that grease layer for over four years, have scrubbed and scrubbed until my arms hurt, and all I needed to do was mix hot water, vinegar, and Dawn?? I literally jumped up and down, giggling like a crazy person. There were a few tiny trouble spots, but the Goo Gone worked on those. I guess I'd taken up enough layers of grease that the Goo Gone was able to do what it's meant to do.

The kitchen looks cleaner as a whole and I feel happy when I don't see grease staring me in the face when I cook (the side of the fridge is right next to the stove and would catch every little splatter). Now if there's anything that splatters, I can just wipe it down and it comes right up.

I am so happy to be back, working to simplify our lives. The best part is, my husband has totally gotten on the bandwagon over the last few months and his hoarding tendencies are diminishing. It really helps motivate me to keep going!

Giving Up

Yep, I gave up. For about four months. As much as I want to say that I shouldn't have, I think it was a really good decision for our specific situation. I'll explain:

I was a few months away from finishing school and I was applying for jobs. Things were overwhelming and chaotic and awful. I felt exhausted and beat down at the end of every single day. And this was just from school and taking care of my children. Now, you would think this is WHY I should have continued with my challenge straight through this. But I kept beating myself up about it. I wasn't getting anything extra done even though it was constantly on my mind. Every three weeks or so, I'd clean a bathroom and feel really great, but then get sucked into overwhelming despair again.

I finally re-assessed things with myself and decided to step back from simplifying our life. I knew school would be ending at a set date, so I made the decision to focus on graduating and to stop beating myself up about what I wasn't doing. Because you know what? I was doing a lot. I was causing extra stress for myself unnecessarily by not letting it go. I simplified by pausing the grand simplification.

This provided me with an opportunity to do two things:

1) Focus on what absolutely had to be done during that moment in time. In my case, that was school. I had one more term to get through and it was going to be a doozy. I couldn't afford to let anything deter my graduation. I'd worked too hard to let myself self-destruct at the last minute.

2) Re-assess what I really wanted from simplifying our life. And I will tell you that this was massively eye-opening. I read Tsh Oxenreider's Notes from a Blue Bike and I cried. Oh, I cried. I think I spent the majority of the book in tears. It allowed me to understand that there are others out there who crave what I crave, and who find a way to push back on how our overly busy culture tells us we should be living. It helped me understand that I don't just want an organized house, or to save money on our groceries, but that I want experiences over things. I want to experience joy with my children instead of pushing stress on them by constantly having to be somewhere. I want to have an impromptu outing to the park simply because, and be able to say yes to things because my schedule isn't dictating my life. I want to travel and show my children the world, and I want to be able to afford those experiences because I'm not giving into the myth of having to have a bigger house or the newest gadgets or the latest designer shoes.

Ever since I re-assessed, I am filled with joy. I feel happy and positive, more than I have in a very long time. Now that I'm done with school, I'm working on simplifying things again. I'm also spending lots of time with my kids and we're having so much fun this summer. So yes, giving up (temporarily!) was a very good thing.